It’s been a very long time since I have even thought about writing here. So very much has happened but more about that later.
Yesterday, I had foot surgery. Bunionectomy of the first flangeal metatarsal or something like that. Anyhow I’m out of commission for a while. It’s my right foot so I can’t even drive. I’m stuck. I’m using a knee scooter, a walking boot and crutches (in the bathroom).
That’s where tonight comes into play. I realize helping someone who is mobility dependent can be taxing. I can get around the house but not in our out of our vehicles on my own. And it’s only been 36 hours since my surgery.
I’m the caretaker in our family. It’s in my nature and I don’t mind doing it. The two people I take the most care of have left me feeling sad. I feel like burden for one. It hasn’t even been two full days and there’s already been a tantrum, not on my part. And I’m now it seems I’m left to fend for myself.
The other can’t even make time to come over and help me out. I asked for the help with plenty of time and was met with an enthusiastic yes. But when the time came I saw the wiggles to get out of meeting the request. And then barely squeezing in a couple hours when I was less inconvenient to their social calendar. I let them out of the obligation. I’d rather struggle on my own than feel like a burden.
It hurts my heart and my feelings that in my time of need I don’t come first. I’m not asking much and am not a demanding patient. I’m disappointed. My nature says don’t help them in the future when they need it but I can’t do that. I know I will help even when it isn’t requested.
I can’t help feeling taken advantage of. Now, I sit in my bedroom, alone, with my leg propped up feeling abandoned writing it all down. Maybe there’s something therapeutic in writing it all down. While the tears come and go it’s less a chance I will say something snide to either of them. Maybe less of a chance I’ll tuck away this hurt to a deep, dark place that will always have me disappointed in them and unwilling to rely on them in the future. I’ll put a smile on my face and not share the depth of hurt I feel at this moment.
It will probably be the latter. I’m sad that my first post back is one of melancholy and emotions. but I guess I’m back and we have some catching up to do.
A Dog-Eared Life 